Patricia Rosebud and the Web

Once upon a Tuesday morning, at the far away institution know as Castle College, there lived a sophomore student named Patricia Rosebud. At that moment, Patricia was staring off into space as she listened to her professor, Dr. Gooseberry, discuss the proper way to prepare a boar's head. She was wondering what kind of wench he took her for. After all, who DOESN'T know how to cook a boar's head and serve it up?

Just as she was classifying the professor's intelligence level, (newt might be too generous,) a preposterously pink pixie appear on the corner of her desk. Without any fanfare, the new arrival began to dance back and forth along the top of Patricia's desk.

"Why hello, Patricia Rosebud! I am your Internet 2.0 fairy! I can grant you one wish using my social netweaving powers!" squealed the fairy as blazing pink dust detached itself from her wings and settled all over Patricia's notes.

"Well," mused Patricia, "it would be interesting to know what my friends think about this class. I wish I knew everything my friends were doing or thinking in relation to this course!"

"Hmm. . . . That is a tough wish," the fairy replied. "But it is nothing I can't handle!" she yelped brightly. "Take this magic thread. Tie it to anything you want to keep track of and wrap the other end around yourself. With this, you can stay informed about everything! I'm so glad I could help you!" With that, the fairy leaped into the air and disappeared amid a shower of blindingly pink sparkles. Patricia was speechless and slightly dazed. After she recovered, she pocketed the spool of thread she found on her desk.

Later that day, Patricia tied one end of the nauseatingly intense pink thread to the college library's door knocker. After wrapping the other end around herself she realized she could find all the cook books her classmates in Dr. Gooseberry's section had looked at and found interesting. Patricia learned many fascinating, new recipes from her classmates' favorites.

The next day, Patricia visited the message board in the college's kitchen. "Look at all the insightful discussions my friends are having," she thought. "I'll tie a thread here too so I can read these anytime. My friends always have good ideas!"

After securing that thread to herself, Patricia Rosebud ran outside and tried to follow Dr. Gooseberry's crier. She couldn't quite catch him or understand what he said because the string around her body slowed her down. However, by looping another thread and tossing it around the crier, she found she could hear everything he yelled. Patricia could even hear the fanfare played before a new message if she wanted to.

"This is excellent," Patricia reasoned. "Now if anything changes in Dr. Gooseberry's class or if I forget an assignment, I'll be reminded!" Patricia thought this was such a good idea that she lassoed every one of her other professors' criers and those of all her friends over the next week.

However, after another week, Patricia wasn't sure her wish had been a good one. She had trouble keeping track of which criers belonged to her friends and which to her professors. She often missed important new information because she confused it with updates on her best friend's latest culinary masterpiece. Patricia couldn't pay attention to Dr. Gooseberry during class because she was always distracted by her friends' latest adventures. Even though she was supposed to be researching new recipes just like her friends, all she did at the library was try to catch up on her friends' discoveries. Worst of all, Patricia hadn't been able to cook anything for fun since getting the thread because she didn't have the time.

The next day, Patricia was trudging to Dr. Gooseberry's class when she found she couldn't move another inch in any direction. All her threads had formed a massive pink web which pulled her in so many directions at once that she was stuck right there in the middle. Patricia burst into tears. "Why did I ever wish for THIS!" she wailed. "Whatever will become of me?"

"Such a sorry states Miss is in," drawled a soft voice. "Such a sorry states. If she woulds only ask for the help of a Internet 0.2 fairy like myselfs, she woulds not be in such a messes."

Patricia turned her head to see a little gray man who appeared to be sulking. "Well sir," she sniffed, "I would be very grateful if you would help me."

The odd man considered, "Well, I supposses I could help her out. . . if I was inclineds too. Yes, she does looks rather desperate, so I supposses I can help her. After all, she just has needs of someone to cut her wireless. Yes, I can arranges to that."

"What was that you said, sir? Are you going to help me?" Patricia was confused.

"Yes, I should cuts the wireless, I says. Or perhaps I shoulds cut the wire of Miss. Yes, that is a fines plan, I says," mumbled the little man. Patricia was beginning to wonder if he would actually do anything or just "ssss" to himself the whole time. However, the fairy produced a pair of shears and proceeded to cut through the horrible pink web that bound her.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Patricia cried.

"Miss speaks to me agains, I says. Its was nothings, nothings I says to Miss." replied the man, addressing a spot about 2 feet above Patricia's head. "Now Miss shoulds runs along, but, she shoulds remembers the dangers of the Web. Yes, the dangers of the Web."

"Oh, I will, sir. I will." At that, Patricia ran both to get away from the "Internet 0.2" fairy and because she was late to class. After Dr. Gooseberry's class, she put the pink thread in her room, and never used it again. She decided she would rather learn what her friends and teachers thought directly by asking them face to face. Patricia didn't need any help wasting her time; she did enough of that in the kitchens.